blog entry 05
August 6th, 2026
I think I am beginning to learn to be okay with the idea that consistency is not linear. I want things to be perfect all the time. I used to think that I wanted a repetitive flow because it makes me feel more comfortable in knowing what ~could~ happen next. Obviously things do not work in that way. I continue to prove myself wrong in this sense.
I am in the middle of balancing four jobs. ¾ in which are freelance, the other not so much. I think that I like all these jobs (one has yet to start). They are like placeholders in my resume. I am also thinking about how these somewhat satisfying jobs will lead me to a place where I really want to be instead. That certain place has yet to be determined though, it might take me years to get to where I want but I am okay with that.
As a creative photographer that is working multiple jobs, I have learned how to sacrifice time…clearly. The creative ideas that flow take me twice as long to produce. I hated it more then, when I couldn’t get new photos posted a certain amount of times a week. As of recently, I still feel somewhat the same but I don’t think that I nearly feel as upset or impatient about it anymore. I am always trying to learn how to become more gentler with myself and my pace. It is too easy for me to get caught up in everyone else’s flow and compare. I hate it so much when I let that happen. I am in a constant spiral of learning and unlearning.
blog entry 04
July 16th, 2026 - There is a blindness in plain sight.
I have been having trouble sleeping lately. I feel the most awake and thought provoking at home when I am in bed. I sleep with my books and journal beside me - I feel comfort with these things by my side. I think that is because I am addicted to consuming (that damn phone, reading, writing, looking at photographs). I find immense infatuation in the creativity of others and what surrounds me, that when I am to myself I feel that I can internalize this gathered inspiration more emotionally and critically without the interruption of others. I am in full control of all of my senses. I am clearly sensitive to outside occurrences and the energy of strangers.
Today it was raining at work. These days are especially admirable and makes my day of work feel worth while. It always rains in the evening time here at home, I wish that it could just pour all day but that is just asking for too much. I kept fixating outside the shop door during the rainfall. Specifically asserting my gaze towards the reflection of the neon lights against the glistening asphalt. This made me think of all of the other people who find inspiration in something so simple and pretty.
Taking a simple memory home with you.
Perhaps my late nights is a result of me trying to find an answer to something. This answer is to be determined as I figure out exactly what information I am searching for - maybe it is that I want to learn something new about myself. Or that I am seeking some sort of reassurance of this evolving redirection. I feel sure and unsure at the same time. I feel like when someone is looking for some sort of answer through experience, art/online consumption, signs, etc. we end up finding something we never knew could exist within ourselves. There is a blindness in plain sight. Especially when we spend so much time investing our time in trying to figure other people out - we lose a part of ourselves in a noise that serves as an interruption to our very own development.
For the first time, I feel like I am learning more about myself than I have ever learned before. Experiencing through a first hand experience - the only involvement is me. Taking my own control.
blog entry 03
June 25th, 2026
The other day I rode the street car to time market for lunch after i just had training for my second job. I found comfort in imagining that it was the subway instead.
It feels a little bit silly to me for imagining that. When a countless number of people are already living in the city riding subways everyday. It’s nothing that could be romanticized but for someone who lives in Arizona I would much rather live in a walkable city than a drivable hot city.
Sometimes I think I can forget how old I am - I feel so much older than 20 most of alllll the time. Maybe it’s because I have my sh-t together? Or eat least I think that I do. Or maybe it is because I yearn so far ahead that it fu-ks with my timeline. Maybe it could be both or none. Lately I have been obsessed with staring at my calendar and writing in my planner. It is a good thing because I like knowing what is ahead. The possible issue with this recent obsession of mine is that I always think I am weeks ahead, most times i get the date wrong or forget what day it is. I wonder if this is preventing me from ~ living in the moment ~ it must be.
As of recent I feel like I have been in a spiraling funk. It feels like it is one thing after the other and that I can’t seem to catch a break. Whenever times begin to feel this way I always think of it as some sort of test. It’s like the universe is testing me to see how I react and handle these situations. I know that I need to remain tame and trust in this weird process - if I act accordingly then I will learn how to not allow certain things to overcome me. Because of this funk, I feel like it is reflecting in the way that I work creatively. I have been experiencing what most people call “Artists block”. It is uncomfortable to deal with but it is very necessary. I have been pondering much about the versatility of my photography and how yes it is a great thing to be able to achieve many styles but it has been confusing me in a way that is hard for me to decide what I want my work to be perceived as. Right now my work reflects a number of styles, I think. I guess I need to figure out if I need to narrow it down or if expansion is okay. There is still much to learn and think about.
blog entry 02
June 16th, 2026
I haven’t listened to Pastel Ghost in awhile but tonight I revisit my love for her music.
The other night I went out with Sophia. We started our night at the goth pub then hopped around a bit to meet up with some friends, until we ended right back where we started. We danced a lot to new-wave/goth music, Sami and I kept twirling each other around until I began to feel so flimsy I couldn’t maintain my balance anymore. I thought that I could dance forever with her, if I could just keep up. After hours of our outing, Sophia and I decided it was time to go home. We had to open the shop the next morning as zombies.
Tonight I lie in bed, Kitty Jody laying by my feet. I think of her as one of my many guardian angels, such a pure soul she holds. The other night I dreamt of my cousin Zahriya, she died about almost two years ago to her abuser that gets to live his life freely.
I don’t dream much of my passed loved ones but when I do it feels so special every time. If I dreamt of them all of the time then it wouldn’t feel nearly as sentimental. I feel like they come to me during times that I need reassurance the most. I woke up in tears, I needed her warmth.
I am not a religious person. I grew up where my dad thought he could raise me as christian, I resisted his contrasting beliefs from mine. I knew what I believed in at a young age, and it was not that. I did not want to feel restricted. It was something that has always felt forced. I believe that faith in religion must be met by our own terms, not by influence. I do believe in spirituality - I don’t entirely know what it means to me yet but I do know that energy floats forever and that I can always feel my resting loved ones. Mostly Zahriya.
blog entry 01
June 11th, 2026
I recently got hit by an uninsured drunk driver, thankfully I am okay. But now I am left with these consequences that are not my own, consequences that cost.
I have been doing my best at not allowing my body to feel immense stress, that is not good. Stress is my enemy - things begin to tumble if I allow it to overcome. I tell myself everyday that as long as I am able and okay, everything will be okay. It has to be (even when it’s not). Without knowing exactly how I will solve these problems, I find peace in believing that it will be solved. La dee da.
Today I worked my eight hour shift at the local retail vintage shop that I have been working at since I was 17. Lately work that is not related to my pursuit (photography), has been taking a toll on me. But I bet every person that works a full time job feels that way, right? everyday at work I think about all of my energy that is being taken from my creative drive. While I am cleaning out dusty back stock boxes for hours while mosquitos drink my blood, I think about how I wish I had more time to fulfill all of the creative ideas that I have. Instead they just sit there, they linger while I work to support myself.
Lately I can’t help but think about all of the artists that have all of the time in the world, simply because they don’t need to worry about financially supporting themselves. When they already have support systems that can provide them exactly what they need to succeed.
This topic of conversation has been brought up multiple times in the last week, it has been heavy on my mind as I imagine myself what it is like to simply just have - time -. I asked myself if I envy those artists that have almost everything at hand. I am still thinking about this answer. But what I can come up with right now is that I envy the freedom, not them, not anyone. I thought to myself that if I weren’t to struggle in ~ these ways ~ then I would not be the person that I am. This experience is unique to me, as we all have our very own. Every struggle that I am facing, I think of as a non linear step forward. Another thing that I can overcome, that some people can’t. We all differ in the best and in the worst.
Nonetheless, I remain thankful for all that I do have. I’ll have more to say tmrw maybe