blog entry 09
November 2nd, 2026
I feel that things in life feel more real than ever.
Not to say that nothing has ever felt real. I just think that during certain moments in our lives, our perception of what is happening around us and to us widens without our permission. Not only us, but what is happening to the people that have always surrounded us. I now accept the realization that nothing is forever, even if I don’t fully accept it, I write it now to believe that someday I could and that I will.
I finally realize all of the troubles, the heartaches, separations, and deaths. I knew young that my day of awareness would follow me until I could just look behind me and finally face such a thing. When you suddenly are no longer going with your day to day at such a fast pace, you can understand that time moves much more slowly. I am now listening to the sounds of outside much more clearly but I am also sleeping in much more into the days to avoid the things that I don’t want to hear or acknowledge. I am sleeping comfortably in some sort of fear, until I wake up and I keep thinking about it. There is no ignoring and this is why I am writing.
I don’t feel depressed I just feel sad, I don’t know how to face the dying. When someone tells you that they have already accepted their death while they are alive, it will send you into a spiral because all I could think about is how tired they must be from trying to believe in life again. When you finally decide to give up on a “hope”, a new sort of solace arises outside of our lives.
blog entry 08
October 28th, 2026
I think that I dreamt of this.
Like most dreams, I could mainly only recall the best parts of it. All other parts have washed out of my memory and perhaps I chose to not remember the unpleasant moments of the dreams that I have.
I have had dreams where I could fly. I’ve flown over city scapes through clouds with someone that I cannot remember. When I wake, I swear to myself that I could still fly because in my dreams I have felt the sensation of it. I believed in this so hard until I rubbed my eyes a little more and was forced to believe in a reality instead. I have also had dreams where the dead come back to me, in the exact form that I remember them in. These specific dreams have always been particular and the same in the way where I cannot talk to them for very long. I can remember myself trying to reconnect with them, their response is almost always the same. A few words to none, in which I can never remember. I always feel torn and confused from these dreams.
I don’t think that I have actually ever told anyone this but I have always said it to very specific people in my head. “When you die, please visit me in my dreams.” Thinking about it now, I have been too scared to ever say that aloud, that is a part of a reality that I choose to ignore. But I also don’t think that I need to say it aloud, I have manifested this already just thinking about it.
Sometimes I sleep longer just so that I could return to a dream. I try to go back to visit that one person but they are gone again and I just have to wait for the next time around.
I was supposed to write something different from the topic of dreams today but this came out instead. I think too critically when it comes to writing, mainly how it will be perceived by others. It sometimes gets to a point where I can no longer write and I really hate when that happens.
Who would have known that I needed to break a bone to have time on my hands again. It happened so suddenly, how could I have anticipated this. Everyday at work all I could think about was time and all the things that I would do with it. I have done little with it so far because now all I could think about is wanting to go back to my day to day routine. I think that I know what I want but I don’t think that I could feel it.
Hm.
blog entry 07
“I missed the structure of school, syllabus handouts guiding my hours. I always thought I wanted to be free, but as soon as I was free, I longed to be corralled, guided.” - Chelsea Hudson
Sometimes I think I have made the wrong decision, but wrong sometimes feels right. And right, feels satisfactory but not quite.
More than ever, I am craving mentorship and guidance in my craft of photo. I had this when I was in school, now I have to find it elsewhere. I have been thinking about my academic absence, my unfinished quest of school. I don’t think that I gave up, some people might think that though.
I miss the darkrooms. Reeling in my negatives in the complete dark, blind and frustrated by the process. I miss making darkroom prints and critiques, I miss the reoccurring feeling of failure in the darkroom and it taking several hours to perfect my prints all over again.
It is simple to think about all that I once had and it is hard to think about what I do have now. Now, I have financial stability. Then I had the darkroom and overbearing stress of low income and time. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I did not have to make a sacrifice, what would be different about me and what I create?
I now have three jobs, now that I am granted more time to support myself. It feels like a blessing and a curse, with the curse being that I am scared of defeating my purpose trying to achieve my personal goals as a photographer.
Sometimes, everything feels silly. Calling myself a photographer can sometimes feel silly to me, and I could not tell anyone why that is. To write, feels almost embarrassing, to be vulnerable and honest feels encouraging when it comes from someone that is not myself. I am trying to overcome.
Today the clouds keep on passing by the sun. It is sunny then shady every few minutes, it makes me think about this uncertainty.
September 30th, 2026
blog entry 06
There is something to say about the discomfort of feeling uninspired.
I’ve been sitting with much stillness and silence when I haven’t been given a task by someone. Working multiple jobs at once has trained me to work and create for others, with that, I feel like I have lost the energy to create for myself. This is no one’s fault by the way, I chose this and this is what I have come to realize.
Today I was supposed to work at one of my jobs, that didn’t end up falling through. Having a day to myself feels confusing, I had a hard time deciding what to do with my day. I woke up and stared at the wall this morning for almost an hour debating what I could get done today. Eventually I came to no conclusion and realized that i’m wasting time staring away, I got up, got ready and headed out the door with an unclear plan.
Yesterday my co worker / good friend expressed to me that she thinks I am on the verge of a burn out. I didn’t want to hear it but I agreed, I knew she was right. I expressed to her that I have a difficult time taking care of my well being if I am not working for someone else. I thought to myself that I wish I could work as hard for myself as I do for others. I could get far I thought.
Writing and photographing has been a challenge. With little to no time or energy I begin a blog entry and decide to delete the entire thing. All I can think about lately is how this will soon pass.
August 31st, 2026
blog entry 05
August 6th, 2026
I think I am beginning to learn to be okay with the idea that consistency is not linear. I want things to be perfect all the time. I used to think that I wanted a repetitive flow because it makes me feel more comfortable in knowing what ~could~ happen next. Obviously things do not work in that way. I continue to prove myself wrong in this sense.
I am in the middle of balancing four jobs. ¾ in which are freelance, the other not so much. I think that I like all these jobs (one has yet to start). They are like placeholders in my resume. I am also thinking about how these somewhat satisfying jobs will lead me to a place where I really want to be instead. That certain place has yet to be determined though, it might take me years to get to where I want but I am okay with that.
As a creative photographer that is working multiple jobs, I have learned how to sacrifice time…clearly. The creative ideas that flow take me twice as long to produce. I hated it more then, when I couldn’t get new photos posted a certain amount of times a week. As of recently, I still feel somewhat the same but I don’t think that I nearly feel as upset or impatient about it anymore. I am always trying to learn how to become more gentler with myself and my pace. It is too easy for me to get caught up in everyone else’s flow and compare. I hate it so much when I let that happen. I am in a constant spiral of learning and unlearning.
blog entry 04
July 16th, 2026 - There is a blindness in plain sight.
I have been having trouble sleeping lately. I feel the most awake and thought provoking at home when I am in bed. I sleep with my books and journal beside me - I feel comfort with these things by my side. I think that is because I am addicted to consuming (that damn phone, reading, writing, looking at photographs). I find immense infatuation in the creativity of others and what surrounds me, that when I am to myself I feel that I can internalize this gathered inspiration more emotionally and critically without the interruption of others. I am in full control of all of my senses. I am clearly sensitive to outside occurrences and the energy of strangers.
Today it was raining at work. These days are especially admirable and makes my day of work feel worth while. It always rains in the evening time here at home, I wish that it could just pour all day but that is just asking for too much. I kept fixating outside the shop door during the rainfall. Specifically asserting my gaze towards the reflection of the neon lights against the glistening asphalt. This made me think of all of the other people who find inspiration in something so simple and pretty.
Taking a simple memory home with you.
Perhaps my late nights is a result of me trying to find an answer to something. This answer is to be determined as I figure out exactly what information I am searching for - maybe it is that I want to learn something new about myself. Or that I am seeking some sort of reassurance of this evolving redirection. I feel sure and unsure at the same time. I feel like when someone is looking for some sort of answer through experience, art/online consumption, signs, etc. we end up finding something we never knew could exist within ourselves. There is a blindness in plain sight. Especially when we spend so much time investing our time in trying to figure other people out - we lose a part of ourselves in a noise that serves as an interruption to our very own development.
For the first time, I feel like I am learning more about myself than I have ever learned before. Experiencing through a first hand experience - the only involvement is me. Taking my own control.
blog entry 03
June 25th, 2026
The other day I rode the street car to time market for lunch after i just had training for my second job. I found comfort in imagining that it was the subway instead.
It feels a little bit silly to me for imagining that. When a countless number of people are already living in the city riding subways everyday. It’s nothing that could be romanticized but for someone who lives in Arizona I would much rather live in a walkable city than a drivable hot city.
Sometimes I think I can forget how old I am - I feel so much older than 20 most of alllll the time. Maybe it’s because I have my sh-t together? Or eat least I think that I do. Or maybe it is because I yearn so far ahead that it fu-ks with my timeline. Maybe it could be both or none. Lately I have been obsessed with staring at my calendar and writing in my planner. It is a good thing because I like knowing what is ahead. The possible issue with this recent obsession of mine is that I always think I am weeks ahead, most times i get the date wrong or forget what day it is. I wonder if this is preventing me from ~ living in the moment ~ it must be.
As of recent I feel like I have been in a spiraling funk. It feels like it is one thing after the other and that I can’t seem to catch a break. Whenever times begin to feel this way I always think of it as some sort of test. It’s like the universe is testing me to see how I react and handle these situations. I know that I need to remain tame and trust in this weird process - if I act accordingly then I will learn how to not allow certain things to overcome me. Because of this funk, I feel like it is reflecting in the way that I work creatively. I have been experiencing what most people call “Artists block”. It is uncomfortable to deal with but it is very necessary. I have been pondering much about the versatility of my photography and how yes it is a great thing to be able to achieve many styles but it has been confusing me in a way that is hard for me to decide what I want my work to be perceived as. Right now my work reflects a number of styles, I think. I guess I need to figure out if I need to narrow it down or if expansion is okay. There is still much to learn and think about.
blog entry 02
June 16th, 2026
I haven’t listened to Pastel Ghost in awhile but tonight I revisit my love for her music.
The other night I went out with Sophia. We started our night at the goth pub then hopped around a bit to meet up with some friends, until we ended right back where we started. We danced a lot to new-wave/goth music, Sami and I kept twirling each other around until I began to feel so flimsy I couldn’t maintain my balance anymore. I thought that I could dance forever with her, if I could just keep up. After hours of our outing, Sophia and I decided it was time to go home. We had to open the shop the next morning as zombies.
Tonight I lie in bed, Kitty Jody laying by my feet. I think of her as one of my many guardian angels, such a pure soul she holds. The other night I dreamt of my cousin Zahriya, she died about almost two years ago to her abuser that gets to live his life freely.
I don’t dream much of my passed loved ones but when I do it feels so special every time. If I dreamt of them all of the time then it wouldn’t feel nearly as sentimental. I feel like they come to me during times that I need reassurance the most. I woke up in tears, I needed her warmth.
I am not a religious person. I grew up where my dad thought he could raise me as christian, I resisted his contrasting beliefs from mine. I knew what I believed in at a young age, and it was not that. I did not want to feel restricted. It was something that has always felt forced. I believe that faith in religion must be met by our own terms, not by influence. I do believe in spirituality - I don’t entirely know what it means to me yet but I do know that energy floats forever and that I can always feel my resting loved ones. Mostly Zahriya.
blog entry 01
June 11th, 2026
I recently got hit by an uninsured drunk driver, thankfully I am okay. But now I am left with these consequences that are not my own, consequences that cost.
I have been doing my best at not allowing my body to feel immense stress, that is not good. Stress is my enemy - things begin to tumble if I allow it to overcome. I tell myself everyday that as long as I am able and okay, everything will be okay. It has to be (even when it’s not). Without knowing exactly how I will solve these problems, I find peace in believing that it will be solved. La dee da.
Today I worked my eight hour shift at the local retail vintage shop that I have been working at since I was 17. Lately work that is not related to my pursuit (photography), has been taking a toll on me. But I bet every person that works a full time job feels that way, right? everyday at work I think about all of my energy that is being taken from my creative drive. While I am cleaning out dusty back stock boxes for hours while mosquitos drink my blood, I think about how I wish I had more time to fulfill all of the creative ideas that I have. Instead they just sit there, they linger while I work to support myself.
Lately I can’t help but think about all of the artists that have all of the time in the world, simply because they don’t need to worry about financially supporting themselves. When they already have support systems that can provide them exactly what they need to succeed.
This topic of conversation has been brought up multiple times in the last week, it has been heavy on my mind as I imagine myself what it is like to simply just have - time -. I asked myself if I envy those artists that have almost everything at hand. I am still thinking about this answer. But what I can come up with right now is that I envy the freedom, not them, not anyone. I thought to myself that if I weren’t to struggle in ~ these ways ~ then I would not be the person that I am. This experience is unique to me, as we all have our very own. Every struggle that I am facing, I think of as a non linear step forward. Another thing that I can overcome, that some people can’t. We all differ in the best and in the worst.
Nonetheless, I remain thankful for all that I do have. I’ll have more to say tmrw maybe